if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
