just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
