My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think a kid would responsible me up
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
