I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
