didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
