I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
