dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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