Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
