I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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