im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
