just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
