My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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