God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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