I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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