He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
