Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
