Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
