I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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