I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The best revenge is premature balding
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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