I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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