I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
