I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
