Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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