I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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