I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
