I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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