Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
