1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
