he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
