my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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