I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
