Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
