I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
