Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
they call him Oral-B. enough said
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
