so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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