I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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