The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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