Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
