Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
