so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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