Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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