So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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