alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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