worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
