If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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