On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
being pregnant is like rehab
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
