Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
