oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
