MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
