My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
as a side note pls kill me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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