dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
