Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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