Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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