I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
