I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
