i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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