Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
