So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
