She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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